Sunday, December 21, 2008

narrative of the soul

Happy Chanukah! salut to the Solstice.... the days get longer again!
lit some candles at home. remember seeing the candles I lit on St Lucy at the hospital chapel for my Mom, Aunt Shirlee, and everyone in suffering. i like the calm to the candles, finally somewhat warm in the apartment, blankets of snow outside, there is a soft calmness to the candles. I have a great Santa candle and a huge multicandle holder inherited from my Mom.
I wound up in the hospital with double pneumonia on Dec 13, EMS brought me to the hospital I did social work in. I had felt so miserable and was really praying to get healthier. It was much drama to the hospital. My insurance will pay little but I got tons of treatments and I think that first big wish to get healthier at last was made. I was able to give up that damn cane on my release. I feel so much more alive.
A second wish came the past few days but I didnt follow up as I feel that I need more time to just recuperate a bit. I cannot really focus on what others want from me. I am trying to get more of my bearing. Easy to get swept up in other's needs and to lose my focus. My students are my responsiblity but they are going thru their own processes. So my second wish sort of feel apart.
Wishes.. not that there are 5 or that they are wishes.. but that of what is true to my being Me.
Long chat with a 30 year buddy. She reminded me that it is time to share some of my narratives. My stories, or my journals, or blogs. My students love my handouts and stories. I have my followers to my personal blog. I dream of writing a narrative and wake up with all the chapters and main points. I think it is time to organize something. I hope to get that done in the next 3 months, the time started about 10 days ago when i first got so ill.
Not that I am oh so metaphysical however, I am born on the feast of the Guardian Angels. Am always being rescued by something (although we can all say that). My Mom was born on the same day as Pope John XXIII. the linkages.. but maybe it is just the social work consciousnessness.. responsive to the poor and oppressed. the historical legacy of religious in my Mother's family.. although they were more like martyr extremists. It is in my blood however.
my expertise is in teaching ethics, methods of research, social work. so this writing is a leap into narrative as a way to make sense of my universe. I think of theorists such as Winnicuit, Freud, Burack-Weiss, Cloward, Hofstadter, C Wright Mills, bell hooks, Levinas, Walter Benjamin, pema Chodron. Then, of course, the writers and artists, musicians who inspire me.
anyhow... a short term focus to produce a viable object.. its funny.. i have all of my drawings, my press pieces and research articles.. but nothing of narrative which has always been ongoing in the back of my roadshow. I still have my 1977 hitchhike log to SF and back. A trip that changed my mind and my world. Loves, ideas, friendships, visuals, experiences. But I have never really sharpened it up to share.
another wish opened up for me. it is my own goal but i really hope to get something concrete.
big hugs, love to the world, peace, compassion

1997 Engel Lewis drawing, Central Park

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