salut fellow commie homos, Obamamaniacs, ....

wow! great comments by Sean Penn at last night's Oscars! Harvey Milk would have been proud

have not seen the film yet as I lived in SF during that period and it was quite emotional. I usually admire Gus Van Sant films but didnt go even though I even had free viewing opportunities.

Four of my Brooklyn College friends and I all moved to SF after our graduation in 1978. I arrived via the Greyhound bus in November. Within a week, Jonestown Guyana took place as well as the assassinations of Supervisor Milk and Mayor Moscone. It was an intense time although I didnt really understand much at the time.

I only stayed in SF until March 1979 as I returned to a job at the NYC Board of Education. During that time, I partly stayed with my friend Tede (photo above leaning at the wall). Tede was a film maker, actor, political activist. An exciting time although sad what with the assassinations.


photo: Dec. 1979, me and friend Tede, SF

academic transparency

intrigued by the NYU takeOver (VillageVoice feed photo shown). I followed tweets, saw the student website, watched YouTube videos, checked NY One! Not clear about all of the demands but the transparency issue is real. not pleased by the NYU tyranny in putting down the take over. I have seen NYU become a corporate behemoth over time. Just the take over of the East Village for student housing. Amazing that they charge over $1000 a month for a student to share a dorm! A tax-exempt group which has benefited from City policy to expand dislocating many working class people in the process.

spoke with someone I know 30 years on the phone. He asked why do I know some wierd people.. talking about a divorcing couple I know. LOL! thoughts of how people just buy into myths, or drink the koolaid! I am always amazed by the myths... well God bless him! Wealthy people have problems but their wealth can screen others from knowing what is up. In the 9 years I did corporate affairs for Citibank, I saw enough late night black cars bringing in drunks who were helped out of the cab by the doorman and whisked upstairs in the elevator by the maid. Actually I started my doctoral studies as I was so bored by the endless partying and greediness in some of that life. Anyhow... Richard Hofstadter and C Wright Mills wrote on the phenomenon almost 50 years ago!

The same issues of myth in academia. The power of institutions to gatekeep as well as accredidate. Mostly the personal stories one encounters... Nasty evil divorces ... at least 5 families where the professor dumped his wife and deserted the children for a wealthier spouse. Married DL gays and lesbians. A famous couple espousing liberal causes everywhere and then their behavior ridiculing their gay son.. their embarrassment. The wife of a professor locked away in a psychiatric ward who used to phone the college looking for her husband. He had a wealthy student paramour. Thankfully, there are now ethics laws that one cannot date one's students. All paid big bucks despite their questionable behaviors. 95& of us would be fired, in civil court, and/or harrassed for similiar behavior. Some of these stories go back to the 1970s, many of these people are now deceased, but they were gatekeepers!

I think of these things in terms of the realignment going on in the US and world economy. The power of the wealthy and privledged to do what they want is manifest. I also always think of someone listed among the 50 most powerful bankers in the world.. a really lovely woman who has spent so much time helping others over the years. Generally committed academics, but then those who slept and clawed their way up, as in many career paths. So, as in the case of the phone converser.. people can be wierd.. it is just they may not share their truth or one can be blinded by the socalled status. From years of working with clients, people tell others what they want them to know.. it may or may not be what is called reality! And of course, just using basic critical thinking but then again maybe 30% of Americans have an accreditated college degree and logic may have only been an elective.

I dont know much about NYU. Sadly I mostly remember the wierd stories. I supervised several students from NYU. I flunked one. She was all caught up in the importance of "being at NYU" but did little work. I know several faculty.. one was a professor who in the 1970s spent her agency time exposing lesbian mothers and bringing them up for immoral behavior at Family Court. I was working with disabled children at the time, and all of us workers hated her. Times have changed.. she now hangs with the lesbian NYU faculty. Another NYU grad, now teaching at a NJ college, went to NYU as she was not accepted at Columbia for being anti-social. She was a big boozer and slept with more men than I can remember in those wild 1980s. A friend worked in Columbia admissions and had had a verbal fight with the candidate at her admissions interview! Now that was good interview style! Today, she is married to a WallStreeter, suburban, presents the highest of bourgeosie appropriateness. Mostly though I really know little about NYU as I was involved in my alma maters.

Anyhow... what is life...
series of challenges and dealing with the ambiguities along our path to fulfill our true will (if we figure that out!) I never had a professor I wanted to date... LOL. As an art student, i spent all my time making art and had an intense personal relationship. in social work school, I had a political placement, fellowship at the international house, editor of my college monthly newsletter. Whew! Today, I am too superEgo'd to even think about dating a student.. students need to go through their own life process.. I am just one person on their path and one hardly needs to go through my dramas! Of course every semester I have students who have their "crush" on me but I know that 2 months after the grades are in I expect to rarely hear from the student again!


I value academia highly. I love teaching research, ethics, but I also have a social worker mentalite of respect for ethical practice. There is a parallel process in teaching. I evolved into teaching as an outgrowth of my work as a community organizer and as a direct services worker. I had no college guidance in high school nor from my parents. I wound up in Brooklyn as I did not want to go back to Colorado and got a free rent job renovating brownstones and CUNY was free! Brooklyn College was great as I loved making art there! Columbia was so intellectually interesting and I got scholarships! In my PhD time, a professor told me I read too much! I had never really read the classics and history. I had no college mentors in terms of an academic life. My studies were very project oriented. Anyhow, I can understand Barack Obama and his mentalite, being another alum. I know he must have signed one of my petitions in those thousands of petitions!!!

I hope that the students and admin find a way to discuss. I do think that the transparency issue will be on the table as the costs are out of control. This is a time of great change and I think the university is but one to see changes. There will just not be the money to continue the costs! I hope that there is respect and a dialog that makes change happen albeit....

peace, hugs, compassion

A new direction... January 17, 2009

living through this amazing time in US history and I am so happy to see this change! For the first time in my adult life, I voted for the person who won the Presidency! I always voted third party... go Angela Davis! I continue to be amazed by some of the depth of President Obama's comments., his inclusiveness. Of course, I see it as his Columbia worldview, having been at the University in that same time period. This is truly a critical juncture in our history! The inauguration of our first African American as President. The Speaker of the House a woman. Most of all, the widespread organizing and enthusiasm in the election. I still think of RFK and perhaps this is an opportunity to once again fill some of that legacy! That is some of the challenge!
I am happy with many of his assignments! In the last few days, David Medina, a gay man, as chief of staff to the First Lady. Appointment of another gay man to head the Federal Personnel Office which is quite a change from the wingnut ideologues Bush had in there. And, Happy Birthday Michelle Obama!
On Tuesday, I so look forward to the pause in the US when the vast majority of Americans and so many others in the world, watch the 11:30am swearing in. Whoa!
I do have sadness for the many who have passed and would have relished this day. Rev King would have been only 80 years this birthday, younger than my Dad. My mom who first told me about Barack Obama. The parents and grandparents of so many I know who lived through the civil rights movement and would have relished this moment! I have been watching Eyes on the Prize and I do remember parts of the struggle. I will never forget the nuns telling us when the little black girls were murdered in the Birmingham church bombing in 1963.
But, it is up to us living in this time to help make positive change happen. I am most encouraged by the return to science and research as opposed to the ideological wingnuts who so had Americans drinking the koolaid. I do not share the great faith in the US people as the propaganda posits. People voted for Bush twice and now whine and give Bush a 22% approval rating. I am quite hopeful as to the possibility with the change in Washington! The windows of opportunity will be small but much can be organized!
hugs, peace, compassion

happy new Year 2009!!

grutzli aus Newark/NYC!!! happy to be in another year! adding on the years!
new year's eve was soooooooo cold.. and a snow flurry... so I rushed home and stayed under the blankets! watched Times Square online! loved hearing Daft Punk music playing to the thousands.. what a joyous event! The daughter of Brooklyn buddies braved the cold but they got caught in the security maze in the Deuce... i loved going there in my 20 years!
a bit of a health relapse.. party due to dehydration.. living in the hood it is so hard to get nutritous food. I ordered Dominican and threw away the pollo and even the maduras! ugh! got sick from the usual fried food over the weekend as well. anyhow went to the supermarket.. made great cabbage soup, yoghurt et museli, vegetables, salmon, low fat, low sodium, healthy foods.
went al campo to see my brother. happy to share thoughts with him.. especially my scatteredness. i really have cognitive problems since I was in the hospital. I spend a lot of time just meditating to deal with my stress. I will see the doctor on Friday. at least I have more of an understanding of my health issues after the week in the hospital. I passed the house of my sister with cancer and the house seemd to be surrounded by angels, from the bus at least. She is on big time chemo, doesnt respond to emails, calls, etal. But she has her live in boyfriend and other siblings of mine visit her. I just pray for her!
Stopped by my church in Dover to sit at the picnic table but it is now gone. I went to the latin american restaurant and the workers were so rude to me. LOL.. LOL... times have changed. I havent made that trip in a year. My Mom is now dead 2 years. Another era! I still send out my YouTube video on my Mom. Sent the flyer to the Bishop I know, to one of the NY Times owners, in response to letters i have received. I send it to everyone as I will always be proud of my Mom listening, befriending and advocating people with mental illness, those others often run away from. Plus, I think my Mom got so tired of her children's dramas sometimes.. it was easier to listen to strangers with real problems! our Mom of 9 made us proud!
still sending out presents. sent photos of Our lady of Guadalupe to my sister.. born on that feast day! She wants me to sell the photos.. maybe...
the mail brought a framed photo of me and a friend for 32 years from an elected official buddy in NYC. what a shock! She has so many friends on Facebook! I joke with her husband who has none! Facebook friends.... anyhow.. i always love her. i was reading my party book from the 1980s and 1990s in Chelsea. I had an apartment and held many parties. Just read some of her thoughts in my book from parties over the years. lastly, a card in 2000 reminding me not to forget NYC ! I certainly cannot but I cannot afford to live there.
emailed my friends in Zurich... sent them a cutOut holiday card.. I think they thought I may have lost it.. so emailed them to tell them I was in the hospital if I seem strange.
I am so sick of being ill. Nothing has worked but I am still here. it is just sticking to healthy living.. being mindful. I didnt realize how sick I was.
dunno my teaching schedule yet. thinking of finding some clients to do some life coaching etal. i certainly have been doing that for over 20 years with students, clients, etal. We will see what transpires.
I think about what stories to write all the time but I dunno if anyone really cares. of course, my friend Muriel the dean, and all my students tell me they would read my stories. But, I can give lectures but havent found my voice.
Muriel and I talked about a common friend and how I should pitch her to visit the nuns in Indiana, the college relatives of mine benefacted, and an Aunt was the Mother Superior. Our friends needs a rest and it could be there. She sews, loves herbs, horses... I will make a pitch to her.
Thoughts of my high school buddy in Colorado and his perceptions and his relationship with my estranged father. I was going to send Randy my father's address, but my father is so unpredictable and can be quite vicious. So many nuances in the narratives but I just dunno.
I meditate and think of my true will... my purpose in life. I know teaching has been one but I am overdosed and too broke from this gig.
My motto always is one door closes another opens, so I look forward to the opportunities. Just wish I was not crippled over, in pain so often, and could focus more.
big hugs, compassion, peace
photo Dover, NJ

losses December 28, 2008

what with the holidays also the news on the deaths of Eartha Kitt and John Costelloe. I loved the music and style of Eartha Kitt. Made a party tape with Eartha included and when I briefly owned a car in 1995, I would turn up the music volume and particularly cruise to her! I so remember my first visit to Paris and hearing Eartha Kitt music all around. I saw her once on the street outside Madison Square Garden. She was magnaminous in signing autographs for the many who ran up to her. God bless you! A delight to our world! om mani padma hung!

The alleged suicide of John Costelloe so bewilders me. What a hunk.. such a stud! But, of course, internal demons. I dunno what made him do what may have been done. Certainly there will be some autopsy, I hope. Once again, just the suffering in mental illness, the pain of the lonely.

Clearly there are so many reasons to jump out the window, or do whatever. Eartha Kitt struggled from an early age, survived the ravages of NYC, stood up to power, and I am sure had many a disappointment. But, she rallied, smiled, and enriched the lives of millions! A poor little Black girl with nothing but ambition and changed the world! Thank you so much!

Dunno about Costelloe. I am so lost primarily because he was so hot and seemed to be able to engage the world. I can only assume it is the twists to the cognitive disorders one can have, the pain one can feel, and then again, maybe he did not have the intellectual capacity to see thru the morass.

I am forever going to jump out the window, or whatever, particularly when pressured by some asshole to come up with answers.. usually family or an ex. Life is uncertain and there are no rules. But, I meditate, change the emotions, and remember "one door closes, another opens". Also, I could jump out the window and get 500 more horrible lifetimes. Ugh, Ugh! Anyhow, ultimately, I just live thru the process, mistakes and all. I am human and I am alive, so there is some reason for my taking up breathing space. Mostly, I so believe in the sparks of the miraculous that one can change the world!

I will miss Eartha Kitt and John Costelloe. They both had sparks and changed the world for millions and for me. Eartha gave me joy, Costelloe gave me hope I'd run into his double. Eartha also gave me so many songs and memories!

Hugs, peace, compassion to their loved ones, and to all in the universe!

photo from Google web

Thanks Santa! December 25, 2008

happy for a good Christmas! the epiphany of being in the middle of 34th St at Herald Square on Tuesday, the 23rd. Tears of joy that I was alive and back in the mix! Remembering Aout 1977, Little America Wyoming and being in the middle of the continent and feeling part of the universe. December 2008 being in the midst of the megalopolis and feeling just one with the universe and able to help make sense of it all. My student presentations were good. Many hugs and lots of chocolate and cookies.. whew.. havent had such sugar rushes in years!

endless chats and all of the endless reconnects done each holiday season! Wow!
shouts to my siblings who are with my sister in the country. She has multiple health issues and is out of control in her neediness these days.  I send encouraging messages although I keep it real. The demons we have in us, the Jungian shadow. Om mani padma hung.

So, for Christmas, I think of how to be kind to the lonely. We all face the existential fate of being alone in the world.. but about those who are alone due to mental illness or substance abuse or fate. I am fortunate to have been greatly loved when I was young and to have had the love, trust, support of thousands of people in my life. I may be alone at times but I never feel alone in the universe. I have my memories or my real connections or just the realization that loneliness is just a feeling and feelings change. Most of all though, I have always had my spiritual sense of being with the angels. LOL, I hope not the flakiness but being born on the Feast of the Guardian Angels and named for an archangel. Anyhow, I have great faith that my angels will never allow me to fall to the ground, or at least they will pick me up!

This year has been a struggle as I have used that damn cane and often feel I should just fall to the ground when I am in a lot of pain. I think of songs like Cold Play "vida" or Darlene Lee and the E Street Band, or Bruce Springsteen, or Sylvester, or "havent stopped dancing yet" and try to shuffle a bit to imaginery music.  My feeling of bliss, alive in the middle of 34th street, 2 days pre Christmas, gave me the epiphany to just cry for joy! Most of all, I remember the Helen Keller saying about when she feels alone or damaged or angry, she goes to New York City to experience our great waves of humanity!

so, the magic of Christmas hit me again. The spectacle, the gathering together of loved ones, the sparks of the universe, and more than anything... my delight to appreciate the lives and processes of so many other human beings in my life.

big hugs, peace. love. compassion

Gershom Scholem Kabbalah illustration

narrative of the soul

Happy Chanukah! salut to the Solstice.... the days get longer again!
lit some candles at home. remember seeing the candles I lit on St Lucy at the hospital chapel for my Mom, Aunt Shirlee, and everyone in suffering. i like the calm to the candles, finally somewhat warm in the apartment, blankets of snow outside, there is a soft calmness to the candles. I have a great Santa candle and a huge multicandle holder inherited from my Mom.
I wound up in the hospital with double pneumonia on Dec 13, EMS brought me to the hospital I did social work in. I had felt so miserable and was really praying to get healthier. It was much drama to the hospital. My insurance will pay little but I got tons of treatments and I think that first big wish to get healthier at last was made. I was able to give up that damn cane on my release. I feel so much more alive.
A second wish came the past few days but I didnt follow up as I feel that I need more time to just recuperate a bit. I cannot really focus on what others want from me. I am trying to get more of my bearing. Easy to get swept up in other's needs and to lose my focus. My students are my responsiblity but they are going thru their own processes. So my second wish sort of feel apart.
Wishes.. not that there are 5 or that they are wishes.. but that of what is true to my being Me.
Long chat with a 30 year buddy. She reminded me that it is time to share some of my narratives. My stories, or my journals, or blogs. My students love my handouts and stories. I have my followers to my personal blog. I dream of writing a narrative and wake up with all the chapters and main points. I think it is time to organize something. I hope to get that done in the next 3 months, the time started about 10 days ago when i first got so ill.
Not that I am oh so metaphysical however, I am born on the feast of the Guardian Angels. Am always being rescued by something (although we can all say that). My Mom was born on the same day as Pope John XXIII. the linkages.. but maybe it is just the social work consciousnessness.. responsive to the poor and oppressed. the historical legacy of religious in my Mother's family.. although they were more like martyr extremists. It is in my blood however.
my expertise is in teaching ethics, methods of research, social work. so this writing is a leap into narrative as a way to make sense of my universe. I think of theorists such as Winnicuit, Freud, Burack-Weiss, Cloward, Hofstadter, C Wright Mills, bell hooks, Levinas, Walter Benjamin, pema Chodron. Then, of course, the writers and artists, musicians who inspire me.
anyhow... a short term focus to produce a viable object.. its funny.. i have all of my drawings, my press pieces and research articles.. but nothing of narrative which has always been ongoing in the back of my roadshow. I still have my 1977 hitchhike log to SF and back. A trip that changed my mind and my world. Loves, ideas, friendships, visuals, experiences. But I have never really sharpened it up to share.
another wish opened up for me. it is my own goal but i really hope to get something concrete.
big hugs, love to the world, peace, compassion

1997 Engel Lewis drawing, Central Park